Smash Magazine
Facebook Email Us Twitter Broadtexter
  Issue 26 - Miscellaneous - Drunk On The Internet

Drunk On The Internet V. 3.0
by Doug Needles

It's 3:30 in the afternoon, and the deadline for this issue is today.
What better time to get drunk and surf the net? I'm never one to half-ass anything, so here I sit, seven drinks deep and three sheets to the wind. If you haven't been paying attention for the past couple of issues, I get drunk and go on the internet and write about my experiences here. It's stupid and juvenile, but I'll be damned if it isn't fun. And this time, just to spice things up, I'm taking a different approach.

Instead of getting drunk and trying to write about my adventures the next day, I'm drunk right now and writing as I go. Sound like a plan?

First and foremost, I would like to extend my deepest sympathies to my friend Gary. For Gary's birthday this year, someone gave him a fish, the kind you can buy at Wal-Mart for a few bucks. He named the fish John Stamos, after the legendary (and often overlooked) actor, and he loved that fish with all of his heart. John Stamos hung in there for about 9 months, and it is with great sorrow that I announce (in this retarded and completely unneccessary article), the death of John Stamos. I recieved this news via Myspace bulletin, complete with a picture of the dead fish and a sad face emoticon. May he rest in peace. On a lighter note, the real John Stamos is apparently so bad-ass that when some crazy woman was hassling him on an airplane this past November, the fucking FBI came out to settle things down. I swear on everything I adore, this is straight from a news article I found while Google-ing John Stamos. Why doesn't the FBI come rescue me from crazy homeless people who ask me for change outside any given bar downtown? That's bullcrap. And why is it that damn near everytime I sit down to write one of these things, I always end up talking about John Stamos?
The fact that the FBI takes calls for John Stamos and not me is pissing me off, so a few moments ago I stood up and paced around the room for a minute. There is a giant poster on the wall next to the computer that says "READ", and there's a picture of a dinosaur underneath it. No, I'm not in a library, I just have awesome friends who hang those kinds of things on the wall. Anyway, I did a search for 'dinosaurs' on wikipedia, and I'm pretty blown away by the way dinosaurs looked back in the day. Seriously, dinosaurs are out of control. I know that every picture of a dinosaur is an artist's rendering, but holy shit, dinosaurs were really big and scary. I liked Jurassic Park and was (at the very least) entertained by its sequels, but I knew that those were special effects and robots. Can you imagine coming face to face with a real live dinosaur? I would poop my pants.

The idea of encountering a dinosaur gave me a really awesome idea: I wonder if Tyrannosaurus Rex is on myspace? Sure enough, he is. And if that isn't cool enough, he is friends with the Velociraptor, the Dilophosaurus and Jeff Goldblum's character in the Jurassic Park films, Ian Malcolm. I considered asking myself, "Who has the time to make these profiles?", but then I thought about how fucking cool it is that I'm now friends with Tyrannosaurus Rex on Myspace, and I just kept drinking. To wrap things up, I did a super quick search on YouTube for "Jurassic Park" and came across the most ridiculous piece of video to ever be uploaded to the internet. It's a montage of clips from the original Jurassic Park, but some asshole put that Evanescence song "Bring Me To Life" over all of the original audio. I seriously haven't laughed that hard in a long time; it's so cheesy, yet so brilliant.

That about does it for me. I'm more than buzzed and about to fall asleep, but I guess that's what I get for getting drunk in the middle of the day. It's not even 5 PM yet. But, a deadline is a deadline and any good writer gets his or her shit done on time. I look forward to bringing you more drunken adventures throughout 2008. PEACE BABY LOLZ OMG

  << Back to Issue 26 Page
© SMASH Magazine